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4startingover
12 June 2009 @ 03:01 am
Everywhere I turn this seems to be the question people have for me. EVERYWHERE!

I went to the doctor last Friday and MY DOCTOR asked me if there was "plans to get married yet". Then he has the nerve to have someone draw 6 veils of blood and give me a bill!

I was in the grocery store a few weeks ago and I ran into someone I used to work with at Barnes and Noble. Second sentence out of her mouth, "Are you married yet?"
I am beginning to think it would be kinder to just walk up to me, say hi and kick me in the shins.

My best friend, Kim, is getting married in August. I am in her wedding. The worst part of it all (so far) was that she kept talking about when I get married.

The man at the restaurant Earl and I frequent, he calls me Earl's wife. He honestly does not know we aren't married. So whenever he says something about Earl's wife, I ways turn to Earl and say, "your wife!"

There have been a lot of circumstances lately that have lead me to seriously consider buying shirts that say "no, I'm not married" and the back will say "ask him". Cause inevitably the next question is when will you get married?




I guess I should have known. I was the only little girl I knew who didn't have dreams of getting married one day. I didn't have dreams of having children. Perhaps that was a cosmic push telling me I am just not the kind of girl guys marry and not the kind of woman who should have children.

Accepting that is just so difficult. Perhaps that should be my meditation for the week. Maybe I will invite Mara to tea tomorrow morning (i understand that it is possible that only buddhists will understand this).
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
 
 
4startingover
12 June 2009 @ 01:59 am
I miss Susan. I can't stop crying. I wish she would respond to my posts. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could get in the car and visit her. I want to sit on her balcony and smoke. And I want to drink wine. I want to talk around Georgetown with her- and get her to buy things from Anne Taylor Loft so she has to carry a pink bag. And I want someone to relate to.

I can't buy anything black. I can't. I know she would like it. It would remind me of her. Even my bathing suit had to be bright pink because I know she would have hated it. Its like I do things like that to spite her. You left us so now I will do things you will hate!

It isn't even half a year later and I feel like I have lost pieces of her. I feel like we all lost pieces of her long before she killed herself.

I just don't want to forget the good times we had before all the pain took residence.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
4startingover
11 June 2009 @ 09:41 pm
So much going on!

Friday: Psychology test 2, take 2
Finish preparing for yard sale
Cook amazing dinner with fresh spices from our garden
Go to Walmart and get a tire pump for my bike & snacks for the trip to Rehoboth Beach!
Balance my checkbook, and see what I can spend in Deleware!

Satursday:
Yard Sale
1st draft of Sociology Essay
Mail ebays items (if they are paid for!)
Nap
Make amazing dinner on the grill since crappy rain is heading for PA for a week

Sunday:
Breakfast with friends
Take bike to April's house
Get in car and drive to Rehoboth Beach (stay there)
 
 
4startingover
08 June 2009 @ 08:59 pm
I miss living in Virginia. I miss everything about it. Even the dirty Potomac. I miss the smell of the dogwoods. And I miss the trails. I miss old town Alexandria. I miss always having a place I could go. I miss the metro. I miss ice skate in the pentagon city mall.
I am so alone here. I have no one. And you can only have so many conversations with yourself... I mean let's face it, I am always on my side!

I used to talk to the stars... But everything is so close together here all my neighbors would hear me.

I am struggling in meditation. I am just struggling in life. Struggling to keep going. Struggling to want to stay in this relationship. Always struggling.

When I got in the pool the other day (after years of pretending pools were evil because I didn't want to wear a bathing suit) I first felt hot air. Then felt cold cold water. I was surrounded by strangers. I listened to my ipod. I read. I was alone. Alone among so many strangers. And I felt so alive. Maybe because I like to belive that all the strangers among which I am surrounded, are all struggling with the same thing. Or at least they will be. They too will loose some dear to them. They too will be alone in a partnership. They too will feel lost in their own lives.

We are all human. We all lead unperfect lives. Be it us who are not perfect or be it others who fall short of what we expect. We all struggling with lifes uncontrolability.

I feel out of control. But if I am among others who I feel may feel the same way- somehow I feel less alone.
 
 
Current Location: hamock in the yard
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
4startingover
29 May 2009 @ 10:08 pm
If you haven't donated please donate before June 4t! I have a $250 dollar goal for this week, and I have already received $50!

With just $200 to him my donation goal for the week every dollar counts!

HELP SAVE LIVES! HELP THOSE DEALING WITH THE LOSS CAUSED BY SUICIDE.

www.theovernight.org/fundraining/laurabauder
 
 
 
4startingover
26 May 2009 @ 02:42 pm
I have begun to think I may fail. And we are only in week two! Seriously.
I spent most of the morning working on Psychology questions.
ALL of the afternoon on ONE sociology question. And yes, I said ONE. I have two more after this just to be caught up. And don't even get me started on the 200 pages I still need to get through just to be able to study for my psychology exam on Friday.

I need a psychology major to help me. I am so overloaded!
I wish I had the extra cash to go buy a cheap bottle of blush wine after I am done at Mary's. I could really use it.
 
 
4startingover
26 May 2009 @ 08:47 am
I am about 240 pages behind in my reading for my classes.

Mary refuses to sleep. She also refuses to let me read. This is not leading anywhere good. I may have to cut my days with her back.

My computer isn't working with the program the school uses. Its driving me nuts.

Not this Friday but next Friday I have a dr appt. I am gonna be in for a lot of testing. Can't wait to get those bills.

I also sunburnt my eyes this past weekend. Now there is a place you can't put sun block.

Off to read! GAH!
 
 
4startingover
20 May 2009 @ 03:24 pm
Tummy ache went away! But now it is back.

I am done with Susan's luminary bag. go to http://www.facebook.com/laurabauder#/profile.php?id=846150499&ref=name to view it.

I talked to the people at the overnight and asked if I could change my status to reflect that I am a student. And so they changed it. I explained that with being with Mary full time and being in school full time that I barely have time to train, let alone fund raise. I am $100 away from how much I need to make by June 26th. I still have a personal goal of $1000 though. I guess we'll see what I accomplish at the end of it all.

I just want to take a nap.

So much to do tonight.

Emma won't stop eating the coffee grounds in the garden... so now I have to put the fence up tonight. Freakin dog.
 
 
Current Mood: thirstythirsty
 
 
4startingover
20 May 2009 @ 09:11 am
I've had a tummy ache for days. Its driving me insane. Mary's daughter insists on having ALL the windows in the house open today. I am currently freezing. Freezing with a tummy ache. Not the best way to start the day.
 
 
4startingover
18 May 2009 @ 09:39 am
It is too early to have a crisis. I haven't had coffee yet.

But java refuses to be enabled on firefox, even though it says it already is enabled.

I can't post to my class until it actually IS enabled.

I don't know what to do.