Everywhere I turn this seems to be the question people have for me. EVERYWHERE!

I went to the doctor last Friday and MY DOCTOR asked me if there was "plans to get married yet". Then he has the nerve to have someone draw 6 veils of blood and give me a bill!

I was in the grocery store a few weeks ago and I ran into someone I used to work with at Barnes and Noble. Second sentence out of her mouth, "Are you married yet?"
I am beginning to think it would be kinder to just walk up to me, say hi and kick me in the shins.

My best friend, Kim, is getting married in August. I am in her wedding. The worst part of it all (so far) was that she kept talking about when I get married.

The man at the restaurant Earl and I frequent, he calls me Earl's wife. He honestly does not know we aren't married. So whenever he says something about Earl's wife, I ways turn to Earl and say, "your wife!"

There have been a lot of circumstances lately that have lead me to seriously consider buying shirts that say "no, I'm not married" and the back will say "ask him". Cause inevitably the next question is when will you get married?




I guess I should have known. I was the only little girl I knew who didn't have dreams of getting married one day. I didn't have dreams of having children. Perhaps that was a cosmic push telling me I am just not the kind of girl guys marry and not the kind of woman who should have children.

Accepting that is just so difficult. Perhaps that should be my meditation for the week. Maybe I will invite Mara to tea tomorrow morning (i understand that it is possible that only buddhists will understand this).

I miss Susan. I can't stop crying. I wish she would respond to my posts. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could get in the car and visit her. I want to sit on her balcony and smoke. And I want to drink wine. I want to talk around Georgetown with her- and get her to buy things from Anne Taylor Loft so she has to carry a pink bag. And I want someone to relate to.

I can't buy anything black. I can't. I know she would like it. It would remind me of her. Even my bathing suit had to be bright pink because I know she would have hated it. Its like I do things like that to spite her. You left us so now I will do things you will hate!

It isn't even half a year later and I feel like I have lost pieces of her. I feel like we all lost pieces of her long before she killed herself.

I just don't want to forget the good times we had before all the pain took residence.

So much going on!

Friday: Psychology test 2, take 2
Finish preparing for yard sale
Cook amazing dinner with fresh spices from our garden
Go to Walmart and get a tire pump for my bike & snacks for the trip to Rehoboth Beach!
Balance my checkbook, and see what I can spend in Deleware!

Satursday:
Yard Sale
1st draft of Sociology Essay
Mail ebays items (if they are paid for!)
Nap
Make amazing dinner on the grill since crappy rain is heading for PA for a week

Sunday:
Breakfast with friends
Take bike to April's house
Get in car and drive to Rehoboth Beach (stay there)

I miss living in Virginia. I miss everything about it. Even the dirty Potomac. I miss the smell of the dogwoods. And I miss the trails. I miss old town Alexandria. I miss always having a place I could go. I miss the metro. I miss ice skate in the pentagon city mall.
I am so alone here. I have no one. And you can only have so many conversations with yourself... I mean let's face it, I am always on my side!

I used to talk to the stars... But everything is so close together here all my neighbors would hear me.

I am struggling in meditation. I am just struggling in life. Struggling to keep going. Struggling to want to stay in this relationship. Always struggling.

When I got in the pool the other day (after years of pretending pools were evil because I didn't want to wear a bathing suit) I first felt hot air. Then felt cold cold water. I was surrounded by strangers. I listened to my ipod. I read. I was alone. Alone among so many strangers. And I felt so alive. Maybe because I like to belive that all the strangers among which I am surrounded, are all struggling with the same thing. Or at least they will be. They too will loose some dear to them. They too will be alone in a partnership. They too will feel lost in their own lives.

We are all human. We all lead unperfect lives. Be it us who are not perfect or be it others who fall short of what we expect. We all struggling with lifes uncontrolability.

I feel out of control. But if I am among others who I feel may feel the same way- somehow I feel less alone.

If you haven't donated please donate before June 4t! I have a $250 dollar goal for this week, and I have already received $50!

With just $200 to him my donation goal for the week every dollar counts!

HELP SAVE LIVES! HELP THOSE DEALING WITH THE LOSS CAUSED BY SUICIDE.

www.theovernight.org/fundraining/laurabauder

I have begun to think I may fail. And we are only in week two! Seriously.
I spent most of the morning working on Psychology questions.
ALL of the afternoon on ONE sociology question. And yes, I said ONE. I have two more after this just to be caught up. And don't even get me started on the 200 pages I still need to get through just to be able to study for my psychology exam on Friday.

I need a psychology major to help me. I am so overloaded!
I wish I had the extra cash to go buy a cheap bottle of blush wine after I am done at Mary's. I could really use it.

I am about 240 pages behind in my reading for my classes.

Mary refuses to sleep. She also refuses to let me read. This is not leading anywhere good. I may have to cut my days with her back.

My computer isn't working with the program the school uses. Its driving me nuts.

Not this Friday but next Friday I have a dr appt. I am gonna be in for a lot of testing. Can't wait to get those bills.

I also sunburnt my eyes this past weekend. Now there is a place you can't put sun block.

Off to read! GAH!

Tummy ache went away! But now it is back.

I am done with Susan's luminary bag. go to http://www.facebook.com/laurabauder#/profile.php?id=846150499&ref=name to view it.

I talked to the people at the overnight and asked if I could change my status to reflect that I am a student. And so they changed it. I explained that with being with Mary full time and being in school full time that I barely have time to train, let alone fund raise. I am $100 away from how much I need to make by June 26th. I still have a personal goal of $1000 though. I guess we'll see what I accomplish at the end of it all.

I just want to take a nap.

So much to do tonight.

Emma won't stop eating the coffee grounds in the garden... so now I have to put the fence up tonight. Freakin dog.

I've had a tummy ache for days. Its driving me insane. Mary's daughter insists on having ALL the windows in the house open today. I am currently freezing. Freezing with a tummy ache. Not the best way to start the day.

It is too early to have a crisis. I haven't had coffee yet.

But java refuses to be enabled on firefox, even though it says it already is enabled.

I can't post to my class until it actually IS enabled.

I don't know what to do.

So I planned on running around like a crazy person today. But today is the day Mary has chosen to sleep in.

Water for Elephants is an excellent read! I am determined to finish it before classes start Monday.

Tonight there is a seminar on phases of the moon at the library... I'm gonna give it a whirl. I mean worst comes to worst and I leave early.

Yesterday Earl made these really cool hybrid light jars. He used little jars I got at target and I got him solar lights and he put them in the jars. At night they glowed this beautiful blue! I am gonna get yellow ones for the front porch. Since I hang out there a lot and I like to read there.

My back yard is really coming together. I am really proud of it! I will take more pics as I go... Earl and his friend Johnny have decided to build a trellis for the back yard. I am thrilled. Especially since I want an asian style one and they agreed to make is with an asian twist to it. I want to have grapes grow on it too.

My veggie garden gets planted outside this weekend- weather permitting.

Today- target! Borohall! Walmart! And the post office! Big plans!

It's good to be back with Mary. Even if it is difficult at times. I think I am going to write a book about dementia. Title ideas?

Last night I had a dream about my great uncle who passed away. We were dancing together (which we never did in real life). And all the sudden I broke down to him, crying that I wasted three years of my life doing nothing but working (starbucks). I don't remember anything after that point... Who wants to analyze me?

Long days followed by long nights. Lack of sleep. Not getting enough accomplished. And now, I am off to do something I am deeming as spring cleaning. I am taking a large box, an going around the house choosing 50 items to get rid of. Its time to unclutter!

Also, Earl and I took Emma to Rita's for the first time last night. She got a kid's size vanilla custard... It was the best thing to watch. She had custard all over her face. And then the bowl tipped over and with her nose trying to get back into the bowl she spun the bowl fast a couple dozen times. It was awesome! We had a great time. And it was a beautiful night for a walk. It smelled like summer rain. The breeze blew from the sky. And the clouds were moving at a calming pace.

Dear Mother Earth,
Kindly stop with the hot and humid to cold and damp days. 92 one day, 57 the next does not a happy Laura make.
Thanks for your consideration.
Sincerely,
La

I shouldn't have. But I did. I just ordered a blackberry. I heart and miss my old blackberry. So, if months and months later I am still thinking about it, then its time to get a new one.

I ordered a new phone on the 17th. Through someone on ebay. As of Friday it was not shipped yet. Now the guy is not responding to my emails. I am gonna contact ebay because the ad said it would be shipped withing 3 days. Priority. I should have had it no later then Saturday. But it hasn't even been shipped yet. Needless to say I am angry.

I started taking zyrtec-d for all my damn allergies. Even though we skipped spring the pollen has started to suck the life out of me.

I ran errands today. Took Mary with me and it went well. Sometimes it is nearly impossible to get her to do anything.

This afternoon will be spent searching for used books for the classes I am taking over the summer. My dad is going to pay for them, but I still need to find them as cheap as possible.

I'd really like to go home and take a nap today. I slept from around 9:30 last night until 7:30 this morning. And I still didn't feel rested.

I think if today had another 20 hours left in it I still wouldn't get everything done that I wanted to accomplish.

Tonight Earl and I are having Kashi pizza and salad. He never wants pizza but he can suck it. I want pizza and I want salad. So he is just going to have to get over it.

I've been a knitter for many years now. And I think it is time to make socks. I have made lots of things, but never socks. I have no idea why not, but I just haven't. So... Can anyone suggest a place online where I can get cool sock yarn?

Also, I can't get joann.com to work with me.

Also also... Yvette, I just realized I never sent that payment to you for the sweatshirt. Yeah, i'm spacy. How much did you say it would be?

Also also also, I haven't bought my flight to Chicago yet. I'm gonna get there Friday night and leave Monday mid-morning/early afternoon. I will work out the details late this week. I'm not even half way to my goal. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I could get people to pledge $5 but I can't even get people to do that. :-/ I don't know what else to try.
How are you ladies doing? My training it going well, but this recent hot spell is SO NOT WELCOME! It better be cooler for our walk.

I want to go home.

I'm meeting Sara for drinks tonight, which, I sort of don't even want to do. But its something to get me out of the house for a hot minute. I don't know what to make for dinner... Maybe... grilled chicken salad. I just want things to be different. I can't even explain how. Perhaps I am just restless.

So last night my mother and I went to see Lisa Williams at the state theatre. She is a physic. I hadn't seen her before but my mother wanted someone to go with her. I nearly peed my pants when the physic said, "Susan, very young". It wasn't her. But my heart started racing on a new level.

I don't feel like writing much lately. Not much going on. I spend my week days with Mary. And my weekends gardening and doing crafts.

Kim's bridal shower in Saturday. So weird. Knowing someone 23 years, you talk about when you get married and all... but when the time comes it seems so unreal. I pray Earl realizes how much I want to marry him. It is gonna take a long time to plan a wedding. And I just want to be engaged so I can start planning. No big fancy ring, just something simple and from him.

I sleep a lot lately. I take a nap almost every day. I can't help but fall asleep quickly and stay asleep long. I don't want to change my dose of zoloft, but I still think that is a problem. At least, when I get a new job it will be.

It is suppose to rain for the next three says. Maybe if we get lucky we'll get a good thunderstorm.
Last year in April we barely got any rain. This year we are making up for last year.

I sort of stopped training for the overnight. I have to get back to that. But i'm so tired all the time it seems impossible. two months until the walk... whew... i can't believe it.

I highlighted my hair and I cut it this past weekend. Its the same length, just tons of layers and angled. I am really happy with it. I cut it and highlighted it myself... so that was a plus. $4.00 for the highlighting stuff, and $5.99 for the highlighting cap. Not bad for a job that would have cost about $130 at a salon... before tip.

Well... off to find a movie to entertain me on netflix.

I ordered a new cell phone. Its metallic red and black. A Samsung blast. Not the blackberry i'd like, but it will be good for texting.

I'd like to leave you all with this thought...

"Life comes in clusters, clusters of solitude, then a cluster when there is hardly time to breath." -May Sarton

I woke up on my own at 7 this morning. I did some early gardening and fed emma. Then I went out to buy iced tea before going to work. There was no traffic! So I had extra time on my hands. I went to Weis to grab some mulch, and found this ADORABLE dragonfly flag. Then I found this beautiful dragonfly wind chime! I also snatched that up. I'm now doing a dragonfly and butterfly theme for my back yard. Let me know if you see any cool dragonfly or butterfly stuff!